#6: 🎧 Handling self-doubt

Winter tested my mental fortitude. This is how I survived, for the most part.

Hey there,

I'm trying something new where I’m recording an audio version of this newsletter to be more accessible and give folks the option to listen while doing other tasks. I do this all time, so I thought I’d extend you the same option!

To be completely honest with you, my winter sucked. Everyone said this season would be quiet. I knew this - I was prepared! And yet, January still hit me like a ton of bricks. I sat in front of my laptop most weekdays, powerfully overwhelmed by how the hell I'd tackle any of the personal goals I set for myself this year. I struggled to stop refreshing my inbox for emails that wouldn't come. I scrolled through Instagram's Threads app, allowing its algorithm to stoke the fires of my deepest anxieties on whether life as an artist is even sustainable anymore. I let out a sigh as I learned that the comics series I was hoping to continue this year had been indefinitely scrapped, and accepted that this may be the new normal we can expect with news of media layoffs pretty much everyday.

For a moment in January it felt like everyone disappeared. They were sick with COVID or the mystery illness; if it wasn’t that, they were on belated holiday trips to see family or cashing in on post-December flight deals (Why didn’t you guys tell me this? Get me out of here!). I used the quiet days inside to push paint around some canvases I bought while listening to the entire back catalog of NPR’s Life Kit (please don’t ask me for any tips - I do not remember any of them).

And then people re-emerged from their individual exiles, and I felt less alone again. Dog walks around the block with my neighbor forced me to step away from my laptop. Chitchats over wine and snacks in my living room with friends lifted me out of days when my brain had nothing to offer but negativity and mental spirals. A friend recommended my newsletter (hi new followers - it's nice to see you here!). Someone else referred me for a project. I FaceTimed my sister for hours. I feasted on pizza and cocktails at a monthly book club I cherish.

All of these things helped me remember that I have a beautiful life. I had to remind myself that I can't use career success, nor the projects that I see my peers booking, as the only barometer to measure my self-worth. I can’t let. a slow season dictate that, either. I suspect this is something I'll have to confront time and time again, and the more I practice it, the easier it will become. Hopefully. Work is not the only thing that matters, I repeat in my head. I forget that sometimes. 

I Want to Feel Big Emotions

Since my soul died a little in winter, I've been seeking out more arts and culture to help me feel things again. Sometimes I schedule little treats for future me, and the solo ticket I purchased myself for the Philadelphia Ballet's Giselle this month was especially well-timed.

Dance is a big inspiration for my creative work. I love everything about a performance, from hand-painted sets to the way theatrical lighting helps a single garment erupt into a rainbow of colors. As soon as the overture for Giselle began, I was already crying. I don’t know what it is. The idea that such a large team of people — crew members, musicians, the conductor, theater staff — have come together to create this moment for us makes me really emotional. We put in all of this effort to dazzle a group of people for a couple of hours out of the week. That’s so beautiful to me. I cried again during the ballet blanc that opened Act II. Our audience let out a collective gasp when the dancers' veils, like magic, whipped from their faces during a dramatic face-off. Dance is so moving – literally!!

Mixed media sketch I made after seeing the performance. I consider watercolor/gouache/colored pencils the stuff I explore on weekends or when I'm on vacation. My partner Nick gifted me a set of Japanese gouaches he found the Noguchi Museum gift shop in December, and I love their milky quality.

I enjoyed this performance a lot, but I left with a desire to feel a little more… haunted. Spoiler alert, but Giselle literally dies of heartbreak and betrayal, and then the Queen of the Wilis and her sisterhood force the man who revealed the betrayal to dance until he dies, too. This sounds ripe for a contemporary take. It looks like dancer and choreographer Akram Khan did it in 2019, and the show is returning to the English National Ballet in September. So, who wants to take me to London?? ;)

Romanticize Your Life with Diary Comics

Philadelphia people: I'm leading a workshop with the lovely gals at NONI at the Bok building on March 20th from 6-8pm! I'll teach you how to use comics as a way to capture your memories, draw yourself as a character, and explore comics as an alternative way to journal. Snacks, beverages, and hand-stitched mini-booklets will be provided, just bring your favorite drawing materials. This will be a super cute way to welcome spring, so snag a ticket before they sell out!

Speaking of spring…

My paints are mixed and ready to go for my next mural! The artwork will be called "Between The Trees" and will be on view from April through November at the Philadelphia Museum of Art's new Educational Center, alongside gorgeous murals by nine other local artists (including talented friends Symone Salib and Dora Cuenca). I tapped into my art historian roots for this one; my concept incorporates Art Nouveau motifs into the opaque, color block style I’ve been exploring these days. I was also thinking a lot about child-like curiosity, exploration, and marveling at spring’s bounty while developing the art. I truly cannot wait to see how all of the artists’ styles come together in the new space! Pics to come in the next newsletter.

Comics and public art unite at Vetri Community Partnership

“Recipe For Community,” all painted and finished at Vetri Community Partnership! Photo by Steve Weinik

You can now see "Recipe for Community," the mural I developed for Vetri Community Partnership with Mural Arts, at 915 Spring Garden Street. I talked about how fun it was working on this project in my last newsletter, and it got a little shout-out on the Mural Arts blog, too. VCP offers free cooking classes every month, so signing up for one means you'll get to see the mural and cook a delicious meal (gratis!) with new friends. Now that's a win-win!

Skill building and community learning

I have one week left of the muralist training course I've been taking this winter through Mural Arts, and it’s been illuminating. Artists with more than twenty years of experience have shared how they stay cool and collected when community design reviews go rogue. We got a mini-gentrification lesson on how to assess if a wall is structurally sound enough to hold a mural, or if the buildings and lots surrounding a prospective wall might soon become condos and block out our artwork.

Every Tuesday night I shut my laptop in a cloud of inspiration, awe, and maybe a little bit of terror? Murals are hard work, sometimes at 80 feet in the air on a boom lift that sways a little bit with the wind. They can also play a huge role in the visual identity of a place, and that’s a lot of responsibility. Class has really hit home for me that we have to take that seriously. I'm excited to keep going, and I hope that more opportunities for community engagement through murals are in my future. 

My mural practice, which I’ve titled “Paper Babe'“

We were each given a set of Golden brand mural paints, mural polytab cloth, and adhesive gel to practice painting at home. I'm continuing to push the bodily proportions of my characters, so I used my cloth as a way to explore that and the Art Nouveau motifs I was thinking about for my PMA mural. I had a lot of fun playing with this one!

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As always, a share, heart, subscribe, or referral of this newsletter goes a long way. Thank you so much for following along with me - your support means a lot! 

Until next season!

xoxo
Cindy